The Phones We Love Too Much
We
have an intimate relationship with our phones. We sleep with them, eat
with them and carry them in our pockets. We check them, on average, 47
times a day — 82 times if you’re between 18 and 24 years old, according
to recent data.
And
we love them for good reason: They tell the weather, the time of day
and the steps we’ve taken. They find us dates (and sex), entertain us
with music and connect us to friends and family. They answer our
questions and quell feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
But
phone love can go too far — so far that it can interfere with human
love — old fashioned face-to-face intimacy with that living and
breathing being you call your partner, spouse, lover or significant
other.
The
conflict between phone love and human love is so common, it has its own
lexicon. If you’re snubbing your partner in favor of your phone it’s
called phubbing (phone + snubbing). If you’re snubbing a person in favor of any type of technology, it’s called technoference. A popular song by Lost Kings even asks: “Why don’t you put that [expletive] phone down?”
“A
key to a healthy relationship is being present,” said James Roberts,
author of “Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your
Smartphone?”. When one partner constantly checks his or her phone it
sends an implicit message that they find the phone (or what’s on it)
more interesting than you.
In a 2016 study
published in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 70
percent of women revealed that smartphones were negatively affecting
their primary relationship. More than one-third of the 143 women in the
study said their partner responded to notifications mid-conversation;
one out of four said their partner texted during conversations. The
women who reported high levels of technoference in interactions with
their partners were less happy with their relationships and with their
lives overall.
It’s not just women who are feeling dissed. Dr. Roberts, who is a professor of marketing at Baylor University, asked 175 men and women
questions about their partners’ smartphone use. Nearly half of
respondents, 46 percent, reported being phone snubbed (phubbed) by their
partner. People who reported higher levels of phubbing also reported
higher levels of relationship conflict.
In
our quest to be connected through technology, we’re tuning out our
partners and interrupting a kind of biological broadband connection.
“People are beginning to realize that something is amiss,” said Sherry Turkle, an M.I.T. technology professor and author of “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.” “They don’t necessarily know what to do about it, but they are open to change.”
Judith Bell, a leadership coach and co-founder of Relationships That Work
in Novato, Calif., has noticed that her clients are starting to respect
phone boundaries. “Now they turn off their phones when they are in
session. A few years back, they would let themselves be interrupted.”
If
you’re feeling frustrated by phone interference in your relationship,
talk to your partner but be positive. “Emphasize the benefits of being
more connected,” Ms. Bell said. Rather than dictate to your partner what
they should or should not do, try an approach such as, “I love talking
with you, but when you’re constantly checking your phone it’s hard to
have a great conversation.”
Here are some suggested ways to break up with your phone long enough to connect with your partner.
Designate “no cell” zones in your home.
With your partner, decide which areas of your home, such as the living
room and the kitchen, should be technology-free. And consider
eliminating phone use in the car so that you can use that time to talk
to your partner about whatever is on your mind.
Try a phone-free bedroom for one week.
Yes, it’s fun to check Twitter just before bed, or when you’re
sleepless at 2 a.m., but you might be more likely to converse with your
partner if the phone were elsewhere. And just the act of favoring your
relationship over your phone sends a clear message to your partner.
“Buy
some old-fashioned alarm clocks for your bedside table,” Dr. Turkle
suggested. “Put your cellphones in a basket in the kitchen.”
Keep phones off the table.
When you’re eating at home or in a restaurant, keep phones off the
table. The mere presence of a cellphone — with the possibility of it
chirping or buzzing at any moment — can inhibit the free flow of
conversation, according to a study
published last year in the journal Environment & Behavior.
Researchers examined how conversations between two people were
influenced by cellphones. When a phone was present during a
conversation, the partners rated the conversation as less fulfilling and
reported less feelings of empathic concern than when phones were
absent.
Practice phone etiquette.
If you must look at your phone, announce that you are doing so. “I am
just checking the score/weather/playlist for two minutes,” shows
courtesy and indicates to your partner that you are aware that your
attention is shifting. It may also make you more aware of how often you
pick up your phone when your partner is present.
If
your partner’s job demands round-the-clock availability, discuss
reasonable boundaries that would satisfy both the job and you.
“The
big challenge is that people are not talking about these issues
enough,” said Daniel Ellenberg, a psychotherapist and partner with Ms.
Bell in Relationships That Work. “We need to open up the social
intercourse.”
Should
your partner seem reluctant to let go of ingrained phone habits,
consider turning to an objective source. Rather than wag your finger,
you might suggest that you both take a closer look at your phone habits.
“Couples need to form an alliance and decide together what are the new rules,” Dr. Turkle said.
Dr. David Greenfield, a University of Connecticut psychiatry professor and founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction developed a simple quiz, the Smartphone Compulsion Test, to help determine if a person’s phone use is problematic. Let the score be the judge, rather than you.
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